2005-05-20 - 9:02 p.m.
My food was a complete mess today. I felt disappointed when I had to stay at the hospital overnight. I was hoping I would be able to go home and binge. I spent the entire restless night dreaming about binging on breakfast and when Andrew would come and bring me more food. When breakfast came I ate the food with anticipation. It was quite disgusting-scrambled eggs, bacon, a small sugary muffin, and milk. After I drank the milk I ate the condiments plain- margarine, jelly and creamed. I disconnected myself from all of my wires and purged. When Andrew came I asked him to get food. I opened the bag with anticipation when he relented. I ate the greasy disgusting chili first, then gorged on the lasagne and garlic bread and then the bagel. It felt horrible and I could purge it all. Then I asked him to get me some cookies and he only got me three which made me want even more. My hospital lunch came and I ate all of that- the plastic-y cookie, the cheese and crackers, a pineapple wedge, the soup and crackers and the milk. Once I was discharged I was really excited to get back to my ways. I went to the cafeteria and took at least a dozen cookies without paying for them. Andrew and I drove to California street where I ordered dim sum (6 buns and 2 eggrolls) and bought more food at a grocery store- 6 bagels, 2 cream cheeses. I felt sick and disgusting but I was so anxious I felt like I had to have something in my mouth to soothe me. I bought a bag of chips and an ice cream sandwich before the bridge, then 4 more bagels, cream cheese and taco bell. I felt revolting. I felt so exhausted and I wanted to sleep but aside for a short nap which was my only respite- I binged shortly thereafter. I had garlic pepper chicken and rice, 4 bubble milk teas, and 6 cookies. I hated binging- I didn't want to at all but it was so hard to stop. I finally stopped and decided to clean up and marinate chicken for tomorrow. I felt so relieved to finally have enough energy to take care of myself.
