2005-06-07 - 10:10 p.m.
I have got to keep on writing otherwise I will die. The loneliness and anxiety overwehlm me if I do not. I eat over the loneliness- over the shame of having no self-esteem. I am so bathed in shame in fear that I feel incorrigably filthy. My heart crumples with fear of this lonely emptiness. What if I spend time alone with myself? Will I be destroyed by my own fears? I don't wish to find out...instead I just eat and eat and numb and numb..I wonder when I will die of this fear- when it will keep me from leaving my appartment, keep me from seeing others. I wonder when my tears will dry up and I grow wild and grizzled no longer a person but a beaten animal. i will never be free unless I write and write...
